It's Time for a Joke

It's always a good time for a Joke

Please Enjoy this selection of Rude Jokes

Three men are marooned on an island desperately seeking a way to get off A cannibal approaches them and flops his penis out. 'If the length of your three penises together is as big as mine, then I'll show you how to get off the island. Otherwise you'll be killed and eaten.' The native's nob was an incredible 20 inches. Getting off to a good start, the first man shows off his impressive 10 inches. The second man produces a 9-inch dick. Feeling confident, they urge the third man to get his tackle out. He does so and reveals just one inch of manhood. After some nail-biting calculations the cannibal says, 'Okay fellas, you've managed to come up with the goods: I'll let you use my boat to escape'. As they were sailing to safety, the first bloke mentions how lucky they are that he's so well endowed. Likewise, the second bloke suggests that they are truly blessed at the length, of his schlong. The third guy pipes up ' ... and you're damn lucky I had an erection!'

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Little Johnny comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all - afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played football and then he proposed to his friend Emily. His parents think this is really sweet and they don't want to make fun of Little Johnny so they ask him, 'How are you both going to pay for the expenses of being married?' Well with the $5 I get each week from you and the 50c she gets from her Mum and Dad, we should do okay.' His father says, 'That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you have a baby?' Little johnny answers, Well, so far-touch wood-we've been lucky ... '

A young man was struggling to decide what to wear to a fancy dress party, but eventually had a brain wave. When the host answered the door to find the guest standing there in his Y-fronts he asked him what he was supposed to be? 'Premature ejaculation - I just came in my pants!'

A man was in hospital for a series of tests, the last of which left his digestive system slightly worse for wear. upon making several false alarm trips to the loo, he figured that he might as well stay put. Suddenly, however, he shat in his bed and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the sheets and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing and swinging his arms violently in an attempt to free himself of the bed linen. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As he stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (who had witnessed the entire faecal incident) walked up to him and asked, What the hell is going on?' The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, 'I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost'.

A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, 'Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis'. The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and he tells her what the doc told him. She says, 'Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that! We should make a list!' He replies, 'I already made a list on the way home, and I'm afraid your name isn't on it'

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. There is an obvious attraction between them and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place and, as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears fill a shelf the length of the wall; medium-sized ones adorn a shelf a little higher, and huge bears sit side by side on the top shelf. The man is surprised that this sexy woman should own so many cuddly toys, but he decides not to let it bother him. Instead, he turns to her and kisses her passionately on the lips. After just seconds they are ripping each other's clothes off and having wet and wild sex. After their intense sex session they are lying there together in the afterglow and the man asks, Well, love, how was it?' She says, 'You can have any prize from the bottom shelf'.

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a pharmacy and furtively asks if they sell Viagra. The pharmacist answers firmly, 'Yes, sir. We certainly do.' The man then asks, 'Do you think I could get it over the counter?' The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, 'If you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might.'

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 'I'm 90 years old,' he says. '90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realise you've had it?' 'Oh, sorry,' says the old man, 'how much do I owe you?'

An elderly couple met and fell in love. As they started getting off with each other for the first time she confessed: 'I have acute· angina', hoping that it wouldn't dampen his lust. 'That'll make up for your droopy tits then,' he said.

An elderly, married couple walks into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, 'I'll need a urine sample, a faeces sample, and a blood sample.' The old man says, 'What?' So the doctor says it again. Once again the deaf old codger says, What?' So the doctor yells it: 'I NEED A URINE SAMPLE A FAECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!' With that the old man's wife turns to her doddery husband and says, 'He needs a pair of your underwear'.

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigitte Bardot and ignores her completely. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts. The tattooist warns her that age and gravity will probably make this unattractive and suggests she have the tattoo on her arse instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork. 'What do you think?' the wife asks, seeking his approval. 'Eh, who the hell is Bob? the husband replies.

There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge-bathes the woman around the crotch, the monitor increases significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea and he instantly agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and he needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, distraught that she was jeopardising the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened. 'I'm not sure, but I think she choked'.

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An old man goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for the strongest dose of Viagra, explaining that he has two extremely insatiable young girls spending the weekend with him. He happily toddles off with his prescription. Later that week though, he returns to the doctor asking for painkillers. The doctor asks 'Why, is your dick in pain after all that sex?' 'No', says the geriatric lover-man, 'it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up.

A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the road. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his trousers. Not wanting to jeopardise the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut. Then he heard voices: 'This is the police. What's going on down there?' The man replied, 'I'm checking out the rear axle, it's broken'. Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.'

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