It's Time for a Joke

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A man goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. He walks over to her and she greets him warmly. He's rather taken aback because he can't figure out where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from that stag do' that I had sex with on the pool table, with all my mates watching, while your partner whipped my arse with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

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 Researchers at the Department of Transport found over 200 dead crows near a busy road junction recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paint appeared on the birds’ beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows were killed by impact with trucks, while 2% were killed by impact with cars. DoT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentage of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. The conclusion was that while all the look-out crows could say “Cah cah”, none could say “Truck.”

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mechanic?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, a Builder?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "A Pastry Chef?"

*Hott Girl's Facebook Status*
"Bored" -86 Likes -54 Comments

*My status*
"Just got accepted into Harvard!" -0 Likes -1 Comment from Mom:"...Nerd"

I did the catering for the Spoonerism societys party last night. They said there was not enough food to go round, but it turned out to be a lack of pies.

“What made you marry daddy, mummy?” “so you’re beginning to wonder, too!”

How’s your husband,?” Mrs. Mathur asked her friend. “pretty well, I think - he works so hard I see him for only about an hour each Day,” “you poor thing,” said Mrs. Mathur. “oh, it’s all right, the hour soon passes.”

Chemistry teacher: “can you give me the formula for water?” Student: “h-i-j-k-l-m-n-o-.” Chemistry teacher: “where did you get an idea like that?” Student: “you told us the other day it was h to o.”

I'm in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year's supply of Marmite (or Vegemite) - one jar.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan (silent j pronounced one). Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home." He said: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" I asked. "It's not unusual," he replied.

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love, Chris
P.S. My mother tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. "My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

“There’s an elderly Jewish man with a much younger girlfriend, who he can’t satisfy sexually. So, he decides to see his rabbi for advice. The rabbi says, ‘Next time you make love, employ a handsome, muscular young man to stand by your bed, vigorously swinging a towel above his head the entire time. That should do the trick.’ So the Jewish man hires a really fit male model for the night and then has sex with his girlfriend while the male model stands next to their bed, vigorously swinging a towel above his head. Nothing happens. The model politely suggests that the two men swap places, so that the model has sex with the girl and the Jewish man swings the towel. They swap places and, within two minutes of having sex with the muscular male model, the girl has multiple orgasms. The Jewish man looks at the model and says, ‘See? That’s how you swing a towel!’”

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